|Posted by Kimaya Crolla-Younger on May 23, 2014 at 4:50 AM|
All women who have achieved in their own right have had to develop their personal power strongly, in many, if not most cases, to the detriment of our femininity. Often this development in us has been forced and is not authentic; we have tried to be like men, and so deep down still struggle to embrace who we are as a woman. In my own life, I first noticed that something was ‘off’ in how others perceived me in my job in computer sales when I was a young woman of 20. I was the only woman in a sales team of 40, I did not feel I could be vulnerable with these men, and had to be ‘one of the boys’ to fit in. In truth, my vulnerability was mainly hidden from myself.
Fast forward 15 years, I had just been head hunted to take over the IT training function in a large corporate firm in the City; my predecessor had left the position due to stress. At that time, I was exploring for myself my own relationship to power and wanted my expression of it to come from a more authentic place. One day I made the decision to no longer operate as a ‘mini-man’. I remember how vulnerable I felt that day; but my decision was made. Then the telephone rang, it was a ‘mini-man’ woman, being quite demanding and aggressive about what she wanted from me. I could feel the familiar pull in me to match her energy, and I let this feeling pass. I responded in a softer way, still assertive, but more authentic to me.
Something else I had noticed at that time, was a feeling of being without gender, strangely genderless, and I was curious about this. Could I be a woman, what a woman feels like to me, in my unique body and being, without it being a role or a fake persona, made up of cultural and other conditioning? A true feminine awakening.
An initiation into the feminine: Bliss for Women! A One Day Retreat, 8th June