Making Friends With Anger, 8 September 2018 9.30-5.30, London N4 (Finsbury Park)
"As sophisticated as we are in our understanding of some things, we're often remedial in our ability to love. In a world where fear has a grip on human consciousness, it takes a conscious effort to take a stand against it. We yearn for love desperately, yet resist it fiercely" ~Marianne Williamson
- Have you ever wondered where your authentic power is hiding?
- Discover the difference between distorted and healthy anger
- Why acknowledging your anger is vital to non-violent relating
- How anger can deepen your capacity for intimacy
- Meet your roar of YES and NO!
- Discover a healthy way to be around anger - yours and others
- Learn how to harness the energy of conflict & to engage it directly, skillfully, and with an open heart.
Anger is an emotion that can be hard to let ourselves feel. Particularly in the British culture, the tendency is to hide behind a polite face, but what we avoid or suppress starts to dull our life force. What many of us think of as anger, is in fact, the distortions of anger. You will learn the differences during this day.
We always have a full house for this transformative, life-affirming day, which I run twice a year, early booking essential! In Tantra, when you start to give your wild, impulsive self some expression, chances are good that you will hit a major obstacle: your suppressed anger, resentment and frustration. Have you ever wondered where your authentic power is hiding? It sits right underneath your unexpressed anger. If you start to acknowledge and express your accumulated anger and resentment, you will fall into the depths of your sadness … and if you can stay total with that experience too, you will find – below all the emotions – the roar of your inner warrior, or perhaps tiger!
Anger is an emotion that can be very useful. It can urge us to our power, or to setting boundaries, or making choices. The problem is that we seldom experience anger directly linked to its source. For instance, we get angry because someone does something that reminds us of someone from our past, and this current experience of anger is filtered through this past lens, adding to what is unresolved. We need to gently find a way through.
A testimonial from the day, “Thank you, thank you, thank you, the whole experience was quite phenomenal and it continues. I worked through some of the questions this morning, which was great to do, while it's all fresh and I am going to have a few conversations, with people using the cushions, starting with my adopted mother, but there are more. To think I thought other people had resentments towards me but I don't do resentment! Very insightful.
I was able to connect with my anger through some of the exercises that we did during the workshop. I thought this would be difficult to do, especially with others in the room, yet it was surprisingly easy. It felt as if karmic, ancestral voices were releasing from the depths of my being and with them went a lot of pain, suffering and trauma. I felt incredibly energised afterwards and the next day I felt lighter, clearer and my energy was flowing freely.
I was having a conversation the next day, with a recently found family member and an opportunity arose for me to share examples of the impact of slavery on my people. With each word I felt more liberated as if I was releasing more of my ancestral trauma. I'm enjoying witnessing everything that is coming up and writing in my journal.”
HOW? This transformational day is shaped from my own traversing through the landscapes of anger and trauma, and in over ten years in private practice as a psychotherapist and group facilitator. We will be diving deep into the nuances of this ‘negative’ feeling, exploring your own anger landscape and it’s origins, in the group as a whole, and in a triad, with body-based exercises and techniques, some sharing and discussion, movement and meditation, where we discover how to ‘Make friends with anger’ in our lives and relationships. Taking away powerful tools of understanding to integrate into life.
Who is this for? Anyone wanting to be more at ease around this powerful emotion, and it’s impact on our bodies, health and relationships, both in and out of the bedroom.
Regular Price: £120
The concessionary price is for those who earn less, otherwise please choose the regular price. TO BOOK, go to the PayPal link a few lines below.
All practical information, including how to prepare for the day, the exact address and what to bring, is sent to you once your place is confirmed. The venue is a self-contained, safe space at the London School of Capoeira, Unit 1-2 Leeds Place, Tollington Park, London N4 3RF. A short walk from Finsbury Park tube station.
Please drop me an email if you have any questions to [email protected]
Places are limited, early booking is essential! Below are videos and articles on the topic.
Regular price £120
How Your Anger Can Deepen Your Capacity For Intimacy
Right now, you may be fuming because your partner did something you didn't like yesterday, or you may be chronically angry because of an ongoing issue in your relationship.
In your mind, you're convinced that you're angry because of what your partner did or didn't do - it could be as big as infidelity or as seemingly insignificant as being late, yet again.
But as you'll discover in this message, that's because anger is almost always a cover up for something else. And until you become aware of what your anger is hiding, you'll never enjoy authentic intimacy in your relating.
How Is Anger Playing Out In Your Relationship?
There can be big, obvious anger, and there can be seething, passive-aggressive anger. If you've just found out you've been cheated on, your anger can be huge. The same goes for discovering your partner has been gambling or buying things with a separate account even though you've agreed to stay on a budget.
You can have slow-burning anger:
The wife who feels abandoned because her husband works so much, so she snaps at him when he's around.
The man who starts drinking to cope with the anger he feels because his wife just isn't turned on by him anymore.
The Poison Of Unexplored Anger
Time and again, I see the impact of unexplored anger. You can stay stuck in this position, leading you to endure a mediocre relationship, which has all sorts of negative implications for your entire life:
Your health will suffer, perhaps leading to depression, anxiety and an inability to concentrate at work, nor sleep at night.
Since you've been ignoring the fundamental cause of all this - your anger - you'll probably start engaging in activities to numb the pain: addictions, overworking, escaping into other relationships.
All of these are short-term "solutions" that ultimately cause more harm than good, because aside from creating more problems, they mask the fundamental issue.
You may think that the problem is that your partner cheated, or spends too much, or works too many hours, or isn't affectionate. You tell yourself you have a right to be angry! If they would just stop doing x, y, or z in the first place, then you wouldn't have an issue, and there would be no need for anger.
Well, let's take a closer look at that.
Getting To The Heart Of The Matter
When I've worked with couples, and one or both of them come in angry, they'll usually be in a gridlock; they quite literally can't talk about anything else. If one person feels they've been wronged in some way, they'll be pointing the finger in anger.
And as long as this gridlock persists, nothing can get through.
They think that if their partner would just "see the light," admit wrongdoing, and change, the angry discussions will stop.
But here's the key:
The lock usually happens when the person is trying to talk about the wrong feeling - what they're angry about.
Yet beneath anger (or resentment) there is usually sadness or fear.
If you're angry because you've been cheated on or deceived in some other way, you're feeling a deep sense of loss - a shattering of what you thought to be true.
If you're angry because your partner isn't around as much or isn't as intimate as before, you're afraid he or she might not love you anymore.
So when I am working with a couple, I shift to what they're sad about and what they're scared about.
Shifting to feelings of sadness and fear accomplishes two magical moves in one shot:
When you contact the true emotion within you needing to be heard, you begin the process of healing. Turning inward to embrace your true feelings - no matter how uncomfortable – is an act of loving yourself. From this empowered place, you are able to not only comfort a part of you that has been ignored, but you also open the door to your partner being able to hear you.
Because as long as you're communicating from anger, your mate's automatic response will be one of defensiveness. You'll both have your guard up: you by trying to protect yourself from being hurt again, and your partner by trying to prove they are not to blame.
Communicating from authentic feelings immediately goes deeper than your partner's defences, because you are being vulnerable and open and there is no need for your partner to be defensive..
Try it right now:
Think about something you're angry about. Then ask yourself if, underneath, there is really something you're sad about or afraid of.
Maybe there's a sadness about the romance you've lost, or a fear that you're fundamentally a failure at relationships.
So, while up until this point you may have been telling your partner:
"Seriously? You're staying late at work again? I'm sick and tired of getting dinner ready only to have you not show up."
You would come from this point:
"I'm scared I'm not as important to you anymore."
If it feels really uncomfortable to express something like this, good. You're on the right track. It means you're stretching into something different, and with that approach comes the possibility for real intimacy.
When even one person in the relationship can shift from expressing anger to revealing sadness or fear, miracles can happen.
The gridlock tenderly dissolves. And it's because both people have been stuck at a level of communicating with anger.
One will be yelling and the other will be in tears. Those are two disparate perspectives that keep the lock in place.
In order to get to the same emotional resonance and break the lock, we have to get to the place where both people are talking about what they're sad and scared about.
Join me, and a myriad group of explorers, for an incredible experiential day on 25 Feb 2018, in North London. Be more at ease around this powerful emotion, and it's impact on our bodies, health and relationships, both in and out of the bedroom. I would love to welcome you, Kimaya x
Here is the first of a series of videos to help you connect with the topic, get a sense of me (if we have yet to meet) and to encourage you to take the leap and Join! Please share with anyone you feel is ready to explore their relationship to this powerhouse emotion.
Hmmm...Anger and the Spiritual Bypass! Yes...it's a favorite for many. A big disguise I see anger and resentment hiding under, particularly in 'conscious' communities, is hostility...a hostility that's triggered if someone is judged as not being 'high' vibration. Take the opportunity to join this unique one day intensive, of deep exploration, inquiry and transformation with an emotion that is mainly distorted at best or taboo at worst in our culture.
An extreme example of expressing anger in a distorted way, from one man I had the honour of working with, just for 6 sessions, many years ago. The root of anger is bound up in the past.
The Myth of Male Power
- Do you feel you have to take on women’s feelings?
- Does an angry woman terrify you?
- If a woman tells you she's afraid of yr anger, what happens next?
I’m inviting you to reflect on your unique relationship with anger. Many men (women too, but I’m just talking to the men right now), are manipulated (unconsciously) by their mothers that create beliefs that they are responsible for women’s feelings, “look how you’ve made me feel!”
Embodied power is where we don’t avoid either our or others feelings, but take a natural seat of sovereignty within ourselves.
Men, I invite you to join me, and discover the true expression of anger, NOT the distorted ones of shouting or manipulation. It will change your life and experience of intimacy.
Bayari has made a short video testimonial of her experience on this workshop last year. Everyone discovers their own unique anger landscape, in their own time. It's vital to know this, otherwise, we have a tendency to use effort to find and express anger, and effort is not the way. Nor is any expectation of being angry.
Release Resentment and be Free to LOVE.
Resentment is destroying our planet, bodies and relationships. It’s a big component in the dramas of our lives, but it’s roots are firmly in the PAST. And it’s here we need to dig.
And we simply won’t… unless we’re in an environment where we are invited to do so, and are willing to lovingly look. A group setting is so valuable as, more than any pattern in our bodies, resentment is pretty taboo. And as such is unconscious. Unconscious meaning we are not aware of it. I know you already know what unconscious means, but the word is such a part of pop psychology and new age blah, blah, that we use it without reflecting on what it really means. It means it is OUTSIDE of our awareness.
So we often say things like ‘oh, I looked at that already in my years of therapy’, but it is quite likely that you didn’t, certainly in the early years, as it is too difficult to face... when we are identified with our feelings.
Resentment hides in those places where you find you can’t give, can’t be pleased for someone, can’t extend generosity. But we MUST only forgive ourselves when these places are revealed. Resentment is a coldness in the heart and a silence in the soul. It is not dynamic like anger, so we need to give it special attention. We must gather together, and gently, lovingly and with a tender curiosity…invite our resentment stories to be known.
Letting go is not enough. I say ‘release’ resentment in the title…and this becomes a possibility when our patterns of resentment come into our awareness.
Are you willing to give up your revenge and other victim stories?
Revenge is one of the most hidden dynamics, where we attack others for perceived wrongs, often through self-victimisation. If there is a situation where you seem to have been victimized, you may actually be getting back at a significant person in your life. Basically, the message at a subconscious level is, ‘This has happened to me because of you. If you had loved me more, treated me better, helped me, etc., this would not be happening in my life.’ The very essence of the victim stance is, ‘I am willing to be hurt, so that I can hurt you.’ Because the dynamic is so hidden, most people are embarrassed to discover that they have revenge within them.
Part of the terrain of becoming clear and direct with our feelings is learning how to communicate the difficult ones like anger, fear and sadness… and in doing so create more intimacy, joy and passion than you've previously known. The first step is acknowledging we're angry, The second, is fully owning the anger as ours (which will also involve processing it in some way). And the third is communicating your anger, without actually being angry. Not easy but well worth the investment. Grrr!
RELEASE YOURSELF FROM FAMILY KARMA.
One of the main intentions I had for studying psychotherapy was I wanted to fully understand the impact of my early life environment, moving into adulthood, (and certainly at that time I thought the school of psychotherapy could inform me of that, but I digress!) What I’m about to tell you here was the biggest somatic impact I got, from the entire five years of study, and was during a lecture on the importance of mirroring in child development. This event was more than 11 years ago.
So there I was, sat in my lecture, listening to my tutor Angela Gruber. I LOVED her lectures especially… she had such a wonderful way of communicating the Transpersonal, and I would hang on her every word. She was speaking about MIRRORING from the main care-giver, and the resulting sense of identity and forming of beliefs that a child interprets and takes on.
The concept of mirroring involves a parent’s accurate reflection of a child’s expressed thoughts and feelings. This reflection leads to the child’s experience of acceptance and validity.
So far, so good.
Over time, the validation is internalized and the child enters adult life with self-acceptance and self-awareness. This self-awareness can be viewed as the individual’s awareness of what he or she brings to the party. This enables the experience of social acceptance and competence.
Then the lecture took the direction of what happens when a child is not mirrored authentically by his or her parents? When a parent who lives from a place of bitterness and resentment gives mirroring to a child, that child will take on guilt, over-responsibility and may become self-absorbed in a compensatory effort to feel OK.
It was in that last sentence “…When a parent who lives from a place of bitterness and resentment gives mirroring to a child, that child will take on guilt, over-responsibility and may become self-absorbed in a compensatory effort to feel OK.” The impact on my body, the best way I can describe it, was like I had been shot! An energetic charge shot through my body, I think it came into my feet, blasted right through my body, and went out the top of my head.
Wow, what a ride, and dive into the terrain of releasing past family karma! Join this one day intensive in London, where I share powerful tools to integrate into your life and relationships.
STOP BEING NICE AND START BEING REAL!
Many of us, especially those who had a very traumatic upbringing, where we experienced a lot of drama, conflict and uncertainty, took on a role for surviving…that of the Good Girl or Good Boy. This role may have got us through an early environment, where we may have felt continually unsafe, with no clear boundaries. But if we continue as adults in the ‘Good’ role, we will find ourselves in situations where we are treated in certain ways. Do you recognise any of the following?
- Continually get told by potential partners that you are too nice, and they ‘just want to be friends?’
- Get treated like a doormat at work?
- Often drawn to bad boys or dangerous, risky situations, including drugs.
- People often seem to speak for you…much to your annoyance, and they don’t even notice!
If we have been continually shouted at by our caregivers, we can be frozen into this ‘good’ place; it got us through childhood, but continuing in this way is paralysing. There is a way out. We find a way through to that very frightened and traumatised child living inside us, who needs to be met and embraced with loving care and our own compassionate presence. We need to openly embrace the child who had to survive by hiding. We need to say “It’s safe to come out now, I am here for you”
One of the regrets from the work of Bronnie Ware, who worked for many years in palliative care, from which emerged The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying is "I wish I had the courage to express my feelings". Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.